Remake Hell: 5 Remakes To Make You Hair Stand on End (And Not In A Good Way)

Aw, the elusive horror remake. If there is one topic that gets the proverbial guts flying the most, it's the horror remake. Most people hate them, a few love them, I find myself standing right in the middle ground. I don't see a problem, necessarily, with remakes. Some of them I love; for instance, I find 2004's The Hills Have Eyes to be a superior film to Wes Craven's original, if only because I found the original to be rather boring. However, I definitely see the hatred that remakes garner, and I can empathize with it. If a remake was announced for The Exorcist or The Shining, I'm pretty sure most possessions in my house would be broken in a violent rampage.

Now, I've been meaning to venture into the list article format that so many blogs and publications these days seem to be crazy about so since I already have my favorite remakes listed in my header, I decided to compile my list of the 5 worst remakes of all time:

5. House of Wax (2005)

What more can be said other than the fact that Paris Hilton stars in this shotty remake of the 1953 classic starring Vincent Price? It has become more and more common place for major studios to take lesser well known classics, dumb them down with a cast of Abercrombie models to appeal to a young audience and pump them out like hot cakes. This is just one example. As awesome as Hilton's death scene in the film is, a horror film should never be watched in anticipation of character deaths.

Boasting a Rotten Tomatoes rating of 25% Jaume Collet-Serra's House of Wax makes the list at number 5.

4. The Amityville Horror (2005)

Being that the original, released in 1979, was far from a great movie it should have been relatively easy to take the source material and craft a superior film. This was not the case with Andrew Douglas's take on The Amityville Horror. Starring Ryan Reynolds (huh?) as  a  shirtless George Lutz for pretty much the entirety of the film, it suffers from the same constraints House of Wax did in the sense that it was a shotty attempt at bringing an old story into a new age. Featuring an entirely new third act, the film failed to deliver the scares and often times left me wondering, “Why?”.

The Rotten Tomatoes score comes in at a whopping 23%

3. Halloween 2 (2009)

Normally I won't comment on a film like this, as I stood up and walked out of the room halfway through, but I suppose that should be a testament as to how I felt about the film. I am a fan of Zombie's work, and while I wasn't crazy about his rendition of Halloween, I thought it was a solid effort at taking on such an iconic film. Halloween II, however, was just a big ol' pile of crap as far as I was concerned. It seemed completely contrived, as if Zombie threw it together as quickly as possible to get the studio off his back, and it's just sad. I still haven't seen the ending to it, and I doubt I ever will. I'm still trying to forget act one, to be honest.

Rotten Tomatoes says: 20%

2. Psycho (1998)

I think that if Horror was a physical governing body, one of the gravest crimes one could commit would be remaking certain films or directors, one of the top being Alfred Hitchcock. Zombie had some pretty massive balls to be willing to get in the ring with Halloween, but they compare in no way to the basketballs Gus Van Sant must be lugging around for even daring to touch Psycho. From the laughable decision to cast Vince Vaughn to fill Anthony Perkins' shoes, to the horrible performance by A-list stars, the film seems like a sad portrait of the original. While it's not as bad as the others, I'm putting it so close to number one simply because it's fucking Psycho.

Rotten Tomatoes gives it 37%, the highest score out of any film on the list.

1. The Omen (2006)

There are a few films in my book that are absolutely untouchable. As I mentioned earlier, The Shining and The Exorcist are a couple, but so is The Omen and I don't think I've ever walked out of a theater more angry and upset than I did on June 6, 2006. The Omen is a classic for many reasons, but the things that it did to move the horror genre forward are , innumerable. Seriously, watch a making-of of The Omen, it'll blow your mind. From the soundtrack, to the subject matter, to the death scenes; Richard Donner put so much thought and care into every aspect of this film that it is truly perfect in it's original format. What we received in 2006 was more along the lines of Final Destination than what the original was. Another horror film remade and stripped of any substance in an effort to fill seats and sell popcorn, and considering the originals legacy in the genre, this is why I put it at number one.

Rotten Tomatoes gives it 27%, and honestly I was surprised it rated that highly. I think that it's one of the darkest marks on horrors permanent record, and I can only hope that it will collectively be forgotten in the coming years.

So there you have it, my personal list of the worst horror remakes in recent years. Now I have to ask, what are yours? Sound off in the comments, and in case you didn't know, you can find me on Twitter now (@rglovecraft)!

Til' next time!

Keep it spooky,

Rg Lovecraft

Whistle While You Work: Bloody Disgusting Will Keep You Going for Over 90 Hours!

I don't know about you, but when I'm reading horror, writing horror or even just want to dream horror, I throw on my favorite soundtracks, be it Re-Animator or The Omen, and have myself a good old time. Obviously the guys over at Bloody-Disgusting feel the same way, so they've compiled a massive 90+ hour Spotify playlist full of all your favorites?

Whether you want to take a trip down memory lane with your favorite themes, or just put it on shuffle and create a fun little guessing game, this playlist is pretty much a must have for horror fans. Head below and check it out, and thank BD's John Marrone for the ear candy!

The Infection Takes Final Hold this October with V/H/S VIRAL

I was a big fan of the first two V/H/S films, I was very excited to see a new anthology film take hold of the modern horror crowd as I've always been a big fan of Creepshow. While there were a lot of mixed emotions regarding V/H/S/2, I thought it was a superior film to the first one and that's pretty rare for sequels. Now, Bloody-Disgusting and Magnet Releasing are gearing up to give us the final installment in the found-footage/anthology trilogy, and it's been thusly dubbed V/H/S Viral. 

While plot details are thin, the central plot "follows fame-obsessed teens who unwittingly become stars of the next internet sensation." I suppose you could say that's a bit of a given, what with the title of this entry. 

Slated for release on VOD platforms October 23, 2014 (and a theatrical roll-out on November 21st), the final installment will feature shorts from Marcel Sarmiento (Deadgirl), Nacho Vigalondo (Extraterrestrial), Gregg Bishop (Dance of the Dead) and Todd Lincoln (The Apparition).

In terms of on-screen talent, we'll be seeing the likes of Blair Redford (The Day the Earth Stood Still), Amanda Baker (Lizzie) and Jessica Serfaty (Bat Romance). 

Here Comes the Devil (2013) - A Review

It's no secret that I love foreign horror. For a long time, Italy was at the fore front of the foreign horror movement, with Dario Argento leading the force. However, there are a good number of countries out there that are starting to make names for themselves in the horror world; Japan, France and Korea have been making waves for some time now. Recently though, some pretty disgustingly tasty things have begun trickling out from many others, one of the most recent being our neighbor to the south: Mexico.

I posted a review in the past for the amazing Somos lo que hay, which was very successfully remade into the American We Are What We Are. It goes without saying that I was very excited about Here Comes the Devil. I am happy to be back at it and reviewing the flick, so let's get started, shall we?

LOVECRAFT REVIEWS: Re-Animated

Hello everyone,

I assure you, I'm not dead. After an extremely difficult two months, I have finally found the time and energy to dive back into the blogosphere. I apologize for the 2 month gap in posts, however, this has not been a break from horror (oh, no). I have had a lot of time to sit and contemplate my love for the genre, the state of the genre itself and taking a break from reviewing was good for me in that instance. This will be more of an introspective post, while I have taken a break from posting, my head has still been in the loop and several articles that I have seen (from large and reputable publications) about the state of horror following the release of Devil's Due and Oculus has prompted me to share my thoughts regarding the current state of horror. 

One of my main loves of this genre is the community that embodies it. This is a genre made of die hard fans who live and breathe the mayhem and bloodshed. They love the good, they hate the bad, and no matter what, they will be fans from now until the day they die. These fans know, much like I do, that horror is a living breathing entity, and much like anything else, it has its ups and its downs. I believe right now that horror is in a state of hibernation, which happens every 5 years or so. There are fads that come along, and after a few years everything becomes stale or old; every idea is recycled and every story is told in a thousand different ways. Then we reach a point where the genre seems to be lying in wait for the next big movement to come along, we head underground and lie in wait. 

This year we are coming into the 10 year anniversary of the birth of one of those fads, a new sub-genre that changed everything. When Saw was released in October of 2004, it took not only the horror world by storm, but the entire film world as well. The ensuing blood bath was entitled gore porn, or torture porn, a sub-genre that was strengthened by the release of Hostel a few months later. Practical effects were back in full effect, the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Hills Have Eyes, Wolf Creek and more all showcased bloody and violent deaths before people grew weary of the on-screen savagery. Saw began to suffer from franchise fatigue by entry number 4, Eli Roth went on a self imposed sabbatical after the way Hostel II was treated by the MPAA, and horror fell into a state of wait. At that point, something had to change and the horror world was shaken apart again in 2009 by the release of Paranormal Activity, a massively over-hyped film in my opinion. The slew of found footage films that were ushered in by the dam breaking success of PA was overwhelming, and one of the biggest cash grabs by major studios in horror history. 

In my humble opinion, the past 5 years have been a sad time for major horror releases, and while there are exceptions to every rule, I stand by that statement. We see the cycle yet again. The PA films, while a couple of the sequels were solid films, has given into franchise fatigue, and the studios continue to pump out formulaic found footage films that audiences have grown weary of. The cow has been milked dry, and we wait for the next movement to come along. While there have always been formulaic horror films being churned out on low budgets to make a quick buck, I am very excited to see the next wave of horror and what it holds for the fans. While I thank god for horror's illustrious past, I have become exhausted by the seemingly horrible and tired films that continue to come out on a predictable schedule and it poor fashion. I view this time as the "great depression" of horror the world.

While there have been some great horror films to receive major distribution in the past few years (i.e. The Conjuring, Evil Dead and You're Next) I am glad that James Wan has retired, it is time for someone else to come along, and I have my hopes placed in the hands of Ti West and the mumblegore crew. While the past few years have seemed a little meek, there has been so many wonderful films to never see the silver light and that is where the true hope of horror lies these days. It is a bit saddening though, that the true fans know the genre is alive and well, while the mainstream audience thinks that it's a dying genre. I do believe that the genre's next big star will rise from this independent movement, however, as I mentioned I believe Ti West and the Mumblegore guys could be the ones to do it. 

Horror is my great and long love, and honey, I'm ready for you to make your grand re-debut. Until then, I'm sticking to your classics, to your underground stories of despair and death, and I only hope that you make that re-entrance very soon. It's time for you to show the world that you still got it, because we all know you do. I know that you have great things on the horizon, and I'll be here waiting to see what you've got.

- Rg Lovecraft

Eli Roth's THE GREEN INFERNO Finally Gets A Trailer!

Eli Roth seems to get a lot of hate in the horror circles, which is something I've never fully understood. I was extremely bummed when he took a hiatus from the genre after the debacle that followed Hostel 2; the guy genuinely loves horror and does everything in his power to deliver solid flicks. So you think that his explicit use of gore makes him less of a film maker? Well, I hate to break it to ya, that's his style, and he does a damn fine job of creating relatable characters to boot. Regardless, I'm not here to start a debate about the merits of Roth's work, I'm here to get all excited in your faces about his next flick: The Green Inferno!

When news first started trickling down the grapevine about this one, I about lost it. One thing that I've loved about Roth is his interesting take on subject matter; the basis of Cabin Fever was really cool (he based it off of a skin infection he got while working on a farm) and Hostel has a pretty interesting back story too, but I don't think I've ever heard of a director doing something like this for a movie. He packed up his equipment, put his cast and crew on a boat and set sails for Peru where he filmed with an actual, native tribe. Take that in for moment, this tribe is not a bunch of actors in make-up, this is a real tribe that has never been filmed before. Awesome.

Directed by Eli Roth and starring Lorenza Izzo, Ariel Levy, Daryl Sabara and Kirby Bliss Blanton, “The Green Inferno follows a group of student activists who from New York City travel to the Amazon to protect a dying tribe, but crash in the jungle and are taken hostage by the very natives they saved.“

Tear into the trailer below and prepare yourself for the sacrifice on September 5th!

HORROR ON TV - ROSEMARY Gets Her Due Date

I know I've been gone for a while (please don't hate me), in addition to moving offices I am knee deep in moving homes, so the past two weeks have been chaos. I felt like I had to post something though, and luckily enough NBC decided to share something totally news worthy!

Their miniseries based on Ira Levin's novel, Rosemary's Baby, has received it's release date so mark your calendars for mid May as the 2 part, 4 hour miniseries will air on Sunday, May 11th (and according to Bloody-Disgusting, again on May 15th). This gives us exactly one month from today to begin our build of excitement. I suppose that this is as good a time as ever to cross the novel off my To-Read list. I think I'll also give the film another viewing, I think it'd be fun to compare all three when the miniseries debuts. I loved doing that with Stephen King's The Shining, which I'm actually a fan of compared to the backlash that most fans gave the miniseries.

The miniseries stars Zoe Saldana in the titular role, along with Carole Bouquet, Jason Isaacs and Christina Cole.

“It centers on Rosemary Woodhouse (Zoe Saldana), a young wife and would-be mother who, with her husband Guy (Patrick J. Adams), moves into a Paris apartment that has a dark past. After finally getting pregnant, she becomes increasingly suspicious that both her husband and their mysterious neighbors have ulterior motives about the future of her child.”